Fictional Superfights – Nick Diaz vs Wolverine

With Nick Diaz having the highest profile fight of his career coming up, against Carlos Condit for the interim UFC Welterweight title, I thought it would be fun to see what would happen if he fought his fictional counterpart.

I thought long and hard about this one, and there was only one logical choice. Wolverine is the only character in all of fiction that comes close to giving as little of a f**k as Nick Diaz. Plus I hear the man can take a punch too. So lets see how these two stack up.

The Stats

Name: Nick Diaz

Born: Stockton, California, USA

Fighting style: BJJ, boxing

Career highlight: Currently riding an 11 fight winning streak, most recently beating MMA legend, BJ Penn

Strengths:

  • Unorthodox, yet highly effective boxing
  • High level BJJ black belt
  • Pulls the best “scary face” in all of MMA

Weaknesses:

  • Cuts easily due to scar tissue
  • Can struggle against wrestlers
  • Doesn’t have any mutant powers

Name: Wolverine (James Howlett)

Born: Alberta, Canada

Fighting style: Various

Career highlight: Has sliced and diced a “who’s who” of the Marvel universe over the years.

Strengths:

  • Razor sharp adamantium claws
  • Can heal almost any wound
  • Has been active over 100 years

Weaknesses:

  • Struggles to control rage
  • Heavy smoker/drinker
  • Constant hat hair

The Scrap

The energy in the arena is electric as Nick Diaz confidently strides towards the UFC octagon, his face an intense mixture of focus and aggression. The nerdy fanboy that lives inside Joe Rogan’s head has completely taken over, and his crazed yelling is barely recognisable as English. Billed as “Battle of the Badasses” this headlining bout will see Diaz fighting a legendary man/mutant named James Howlett, but known to most as Wolverine. Never one to back away from a challenge, Nick has remained totally unintimidated by his opponent in all of the interviews and press conferences leading up to the bout. He was quoted by one well-known MMA website as saying “I’ll beat his ass just like anyone else”. Nick has got more confidence and testicular fortitude than anyone else in the fight game, but perhaps this time that confidence may end up costing him dearly.

Wolverine actually looks a little embarrassed as he walks down to the octagon, clearly the theme song to the 90’s X-Men cartoon series was not the entrance music he requested. As soon as he steps foot inside that cage however, he is all business. He and Nick lock eyes, and immediately their respective corner men spring to action to hold their fighters back and try to calm them down. Bruce Buffer’s excited introductions are barely audible above the roar of the crowd. Matching masks of animalistic aggression adorn the faces of both fighters. There is no way this is going to a decision.

The very moment the ball rings the two proud warriors clash fists, neither one willing to take a single backwards step. The only people in the whole arena still seated are the surely now unnecessary judges. Even referee Steve Mazagatti seems unable to contain his excitement and is ginning like a manic lottery winner . A wild left hook drops Diaz, and despite his claws being retracted, the harder-than-diamond adamantium bones in Wolverine’s hand have opened a cut above Nick’s eye. As soon as he hits the deck, Nick pops right back up and lands a flurry of punches to the body and head as Wolvie was swarming in for the finish. Noticing how much the body shot hurt the veteran warrior, Nick throws another straight left to the liver, the only area not protected by his superhuman skeleton. Wolverine doubles up and hits the deck, and Nick swarms on him with punches to the face, firing from all angles, with dozens landing flush. Each strike that lands is cutting and distorting the X-Man’s face as Diaz smashes up his jaw and orbital bones, but just as quickly as these injuries appear they return to their original shape, like some kind of gruesome Stretch Armstrong. Just as it looks like Mazagatti is about to stop the fight, Wolverine manages to create a scramble, and climbs back to his feet, hoisting one of Nicks legs in the air as he does. As he drives forward Nick manages to keep his balance on his rear leg, hopping to avoid the takedown, and skillfully stuffing the head and taking his opponents back. However the mutant is too powerful to control and stands straight out, slams the Californian to the ground and spins into his guard. Finally having the upper hand, he wastes no time and unleashes his razor-like claws. Nick has clearly prepared for this eventuality, and is working hard to control his deadly opponent with overhooks and is shifting his hips to look for a sweep. Unfortunately for him however, this seems to be too stern a challenge for a mere homosapien, and the former Strikeforce champ is taking some horrifically deep wounds to his torso, arms, and head. The bell sounds and a handful of officials rush into the cage to help Mazagatti pry the rage filled mutant off of the bloody mess that is Nick Diaz. Clearly unable to move and barely alive, Nick is comforted by his brother Nate and trainer Cesar Gracie as he uses his final breath to speak a few words to his corner men. By the time the paramedics are at his side, the blood has flooded the mat, and Nick is clearly no longer in the land of the living.

In all the madness and confusion, Wolverine has somehow managed to slip out of the building, and in what some feel to be an homage to his fallen opponent, refuses to attend any post-fight press conferences. Nate attends in his brother’s absence and in an interview with Ariel Helwani, tells the world Nick’s last words: “I still think I could take that hairy mother f**ker”.

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