It’s been a while since I wrote one of these, they seem to have turned from a ‘monthly’ to a ‘whenever the hell I feel like it’ article. Anyway, hope you like it.
Name: Alistair Overeem
Birthplace: London, England (raised in and fighting out of Holland)
Fighting style: Dutch muay thai, submission grappling
Career highlights: Only fighter ever to simultaneously hold world titles in MMA and K1
- Outstanding kickboxer
- Extremely strong
- Has a hammer
- Wrestling ability
- Questionable cardio
- Unable to breathe fire
Birthplace: Somewhere off the coast of Japan
Fighting style: Mindless rampage
Career highlights: Kicking Mothra’s arse
- Rather large size advantage
- Very experienced (active since the 50’s)
- Is a giant, mutated gorilla/whale
- Vulnerable to electricity
- Slow due to massive size
- Entirely fictional
Alistair Overeem and his cornermen confidently stride their way towards the ring of the Saitama Super Arena, clearly under the impression that this will be a very easy fight. Having been given permission by Zuffa to fight for Dream in a one off event entitled “GIANTS COLLIDE!”, Overeem is fighting a mystery opponent, in what has been promoted as the battle of two monsters, fighting for the title of “Japan’s most feared warrior”. The entire MMA community has assumed that Bob Sapp will be back on the big stage for one last payday before he calls it a day, hence Alistair’s confidence. It seemed to be a win win situation, Sapp gets a nice big purse to retire on, Overeem gets a shiny belt to bring over to the American promotion, and the hype of such a mysterious event helps bring Dream out of their financial slump. Everybody wins.
Overeem smiles for the cameras as he steps into the ring, silence descending on the cavernous arena as his entrance music fades out. Everyone’s attention shifts to the walkway, waiting for the formidable Sapp to appear. The audience waits patiently in silence for several minutes, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the mystery opponent, but nobody appears. A low, distant rumble can be heard, gradually getting louder and louder. The floor begins to shake as the rumble turns into huge thundering booms, like the pounding of a giant bass drum. Confused and terrified, everyone starts fleeing for the exits. Unsure of what to do, the fighter and officials remain where they are, waiting for instruction. A terrifying crunching noise fills the arena as glass and steel rain down on the ring, the officials and cornermen finally see sense and start running for cover. Light floods in as the roof is torn off in one swift motion, revealing the face of the one and only Godzilla!
The roof crushes inwards as the monstrous being reaches down with his relatively stunted arms and grabs Overeem around the middle, hoisting the terrified Dutchman up into the air and out of the building. Promoters, team-mates, and the few hardcore fans remaining all pile into cars and speed off after the scaly tyrant, who is heading in the direction of Tokyo Bay. Joined by emergency vehicles along the way, they arrive just in time to see the mask of horror on Overeem’s face as he is pulled into the water by the infamous aquatic fiend. Shocked observers watch in horror as the rescue boats swarm in, obviously too late to save poor Alistair. Minutes pass, and any hope of finding him alive dwindle, as boats scan the surface of the water. Suddenly, all of the boats speed off in the same direction, and gather around a stream of bubbles rising up from the murky depths. Alistair appears out of the water, arms flailing desperately and gulping down huge lungfuls of air. He is pulled aboard one of the boats and raced back to the shore, where ambulances are waiting to treat his injuries.
As he gets off of the boat, it appears that, miraculously, Overeem is completely unharmed. That is, except for a huge hole that has been torn into the back of his shorts. He stumbles off of the boat, refusing treatment from the waiting ambulance crew, assuring them that he is fine, despite a distinctly sore looking posterior, and an awkward, hurried walk. Police officers force the crowds back, leaving only emergency personnel and Overeem’s cornermen on the scene. The once proud warrior, sits on the floor hugging his legs and rocking back and forth, mumbling to himself in Dutch. A Police officer brings the title belt over to him, and unsure what to do with it, lays it down on the ground next to him.
Although he has been declared victorious, the title of “Japan’s most feared warrior” seems rather inaccurate now.